I'm different. Many of you may not notice it, but I am. I've had to retrain myself in order to raise a child who fits outside of what I know to be true. I'm not as social as I once was. I'm more blunt then I used to be. I feel more tired. I look at the world differently then I used to. Having a child with Autism changes you. You have to change in order to better understand them. Here are some examples:
Having a child with Autism means that "fun" is different. For me, fun is Saturday in the Park, surrounded by music, food, and friends. We used to take Alex. What I didn't know, was that I was torturing him. I thought he was being rude. I didn't want to leave early, but we always did. Saturday in the Park is no longer a family event.
But sometimes I forget.
For Billy, going to Chuck E Cheese or Dave and Busters is fun. Who doesn't love a giant arcade? But I failed Alex in thinking of Billy. Too loud. Too much stimulation. My son wasn't being rude to the waitress who tried to seat us when he said, "I can't eat here." He was just honest.
For most kids, a run around the zoo can be an all day event. For a child with Autism, they can take in so much, and they are done. We had to push Alex a little during our day trip. We have two children. But we can't push him too far.
I've had to retrain myself and my thinking in so many ways.
*What is fun for me, and most people, is not fun for Alex. That includes lots of people, small groups of strangers, and anything loud. I've had to retrain myself on what we do for family fun. Growing up, I thought every child would love Play Groups. Boy was I wrong. Alex hated it. He ignored the other kids. I was the parent of the rude child. I tried. I redirected. Thank goodness the only one who was hurt was me. Alex never noticed, or cared.
*Friends are not necessary in the way I grew up with friends. For me, friends were a part of my life almost daily. Billy gets so bummed when his buddy can't come over. For Alex, once a month, or even every three months, is sufficient to 'hang' with his buddy. And after an hour, he's done. Sure, he enjoys other people's company. But he doesn't need it.
*Routine is essential. I love to just drop everything and go. With Alex, I need to give him time to go through his routine. Even eating is a routine. Alex will disappear to go the bathroom and wash his hands. Then he gets his drink. Then he sits down in the same chair.
*Blunt isn't rude. I wish I could teach this to other people. Alex calls it as he sees it. He doesn't filter or sugar coat information. If he thinks you are rude for cutting in line, he'll tell you. If he thinks your child is being a brat, he may blurt out that "Your child is out of control." If you do something stupid, he'll say, "Mom, that was just stupid." He does have empathy, and a huge heart. He wants to help. But he doesn't understand why you would pad information.
*Be specific. Be very specific. If you tell Alex, he gets to pick dinner, that means he's in charge. If you don't want McDonald's, you need to say upfront: You can pick dinner, but no McDonald's. If he says he wants something, you need to deliver. He can't switch gears as easily as most people (notice I said most) and be Ok with something different.
*Yes, he ignores you. But he's not ignoring you. Alex needs lots of space. Billy needs lots of attention. It's a hard balance in our house. I have let Alex know in his expectations that he does need to spend some time with his brother, and he does. But I've also had to teach Billy about space. And I've had to train myself to give him space, especially after we spend part of the day together.
There are many things I do differently. That's who we are.
