The first time Todd and I went out of town, Alex stayed with my mom. He has always felt comfortable at her house. They have always had a very strong bond. We were gone about five days to go to Cabos for a trip I had earned.
This is not the first time I had left him. I've gone to conventions and meetings and he had his dad, and he always did fine.
I remember calling him and asking him, "Do you miss me?" I missed him so much. His answer was "no." It was odd, he never seemed to miss me.
I used to feel deeply hurt knowing my son did not miss me. When we got back I asked him again, "Did you miss me? I missed you so much!" His answer, "No mom, you know I don't miss you. Why would I? I knew you were coming back."
Even at that time it still stung. I didn't get it. I didn't know then about the thought process my son had. Now I understand. He is so logical that the emotion of something missing can not exist if he knows it is not lost.
He does like to know where I am going to be, how long I will be gone, and what I will be doing. Once he has the information, he is fine.
One trip we were gone for 9 days. That trip Alex did begin to miss me. I think it was long enough of not having me around that his schedule was changed and he felt us missing. It made me feel better knowing he does notice me in his life.
Once I began to understand Alex more, it really did help me in my own way of dealing with things and how he reacts.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
The Interview.. and paperwork
First, thank you to everyone for being so wonderful. Those of you who know Alex have always known he is our "one of a kind" and how wonderful he is, and how different he is. It's not everyday a 10 year old searches for a remedy for AIDS.
The first part of the Autism test is all Alex's. He gets to take tests, have an IQ test done, be observed... But then they want to talk to the parents. Part of that prompted my blog. They wanted me to remember all the milestones.
So Todd and I got to hang out in Ms. R's office Friday to be interegated. Actually, it wasn't so bad. The staff at DV is amazing. The paperwork was a little more intrusive. It's hard not to blame yourself for things, even when you do everything the best you can. (and no, I don't blame myself--I know my friends will want to comfort me and I know it is not because of anything I did, it is what it is for whatever reasons it is... but sometimes you just wonder what if....)
Anyway, we got to talk about Alex for 1 and 1/2 hours. How fun, really! The staff is a little suprised at how corporative we have been... which shocks me. You'd think all parents would want to do what is best for their kids, advocate. But I am so proud of Alex that everything he does, including the things he does wrong, I am proud of. (Yes, I am sometimes disappointed in his actions, but really, everything he does has purpose).
Wow. That is so true. Everything Alex does has purpose. Where so many people just do things to do things, Alex is always intentional. He gives a new perspective to ideas and thoughts and is a wonderful conversationalist.
OK, off to put my other child to bed. Crazy life here at our house. ;-)
Thanks for reading!
The first part of the Autism test is all Alex's. He gets to take tests, have an IQ test done, be observed... But then they want to talk to the parents. Part of that prompted my blog. They wanted me to remember all the milestones.
So Todd and I got to hang out in Ms. R's office Friday to be interegated. Actually, it wasn't so bad. The staff at DV is amazing. The paperwork was a little more intrusive. It's hard not to blame yourself for things, even when you do everything the best you can. (and no, I don't blame myself--I know my friends will want to comfort me and I know it is not because of anything I did, it is what it is for whatever reasons it is... but sometimes you just wonder what if....)
Anyway, we got to talk about Alex for 1 and 1/2 hours. How fun, really! The staff is a little suprised at how corporative we have been... which shocks me. You'd think all parents would want to do what is best for their kids, advocate. But I am so proud of Alex that everything he does, including the things he does wrong, I am proud of. (Yes, I am sometimes disappointed in his actions, but really, everything he does has purpose).
Wow. That is so true. Everything Alex does has purpose. Where so many people just do things to do things, Alex is always intentional. He gives a new perspective to ideas and thoughts and is a wonderful conversationalist.
OK, off to put my other child to bed. Crazy life here at our house. ;-)
Thanks for reading!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Not ready for Kindergarten?
I remember being so excited for Kindergarten round up. I knew Alex would do well. He knew everything he needed to, and I loved that he would have the opportunity to expand his mind.
We arrived at the school, and they separated the kids from the parents to do their evaluations. I was a tad worried, but felt he would do well.
I went through parent orientation, and then they began calling parents to talk about their kids. I waited, and waited. Finally, my name was called and I was told: "Your child is not ready for Kindergarten."
My heart sank, I wanted to just collapse. Never in a million years I thought someone would tell me by brilliant child who knew more then most 6th graders was not ready for school. I was not going to let this happen.
I'm paraphrasing: "Alex is not ready for kindergarten. He refused to finish his ABC's, wouldn't count for us and played by himself the whole time. When we talked to him, he told us: "I don't need to be here and I hate Kindergarten."
Woooo. I had prepped Alex, sort of. I had told him he got to go to the big kid school. I knew he was stubborn, but I was not expecting this.
But at the same time, I was listening to what she said his word choice was and I was proud. Most kids would have said "I hate you." Alex did not say anything mean to the teacher. He pointed out he hated Kindergarten, or at this point the idea of it. Come on, how can you say a child who so brilliantly picks his words to show his maturity is not ready?
But of course, my parental proudness was not going to get my kid in school. Holding him back a year would put him behind academically and bore him. "What do I need to do? I refuse to hold him back." I told them.
They saw I was not going to budge, and asked if he was in preschool. Ummm. Hello! He had been in social groups, playgroups, preschool, drop in daycare (that is another nightmare to share) since he was in my womb! This was not about me "neglecting" my kid.
So they told us he had to attend their preschool. Now Alex hates to be scheduled. He had preschool Mon, Wed, and Fri mornings. And now they wanted him to attend the one at school. I wasn't going to pull him, so now for the rest of the year, he would get to do two preschools.
One was the advanced preschool... OK, BCU was not "advanced" but I researched, and researched for the best preschool. And this one was awesome! The kids were all smart, came from great families, and the teachers worked hard with the kids. Plus parents were required to help in the classroom. It was a good preschool.
The one at school is for, well, kids who needed an extra boost. I wasn't overly excited about sending him. I didn't want to be mean or judge, but Alex was not these kids. But it was the only way to get him into school, so I agreed.
My only other option would be private school, but since all the schools in my area are Catholic or religious based, and we are Jewish...
Alex attended their school half days to start on Tues and Thurs, and soon he began eating lunch at school and being there all day. He seemed to enjoy it, so it was not bad. And it did help with his transition into Kind.
Many times I have thought of pulling Alex to homeschool him. Not because of him, but because of the way teachers have acted. I loved most of his teachers, but you can see the "cookie cutter" approach. It seemed like they wanted to understand Alex, but he was the only one like him. I always found it hard to believe that Alex was the only kid like him at the school, and I still don't believe it. But out of 100 kids, Alex is the only one like him in that grade.... and I was always getting the call:
"We are concerned about Alex."
Yes, "we are concerned about Alex."
Alex doesn't play with other kids.
Alex doesn't work with kids in group settings.
Alex doesn't participate.
Alex doesn't play with anyone at recess.
Alex is wearing a patch on the concrete running.
Alex is difficult when we have a change in schedule (he did outgrow this).
By the way, classes are all small at his school, so don't let the 90+ kids in his grade thing be a "woah, you sent your kid."
The thing that has stopped me from homeschooling, besides the fact that I do not think I am the best person to lead him in his academic career, is the social aspects.
However, I am beginning to see that no matter how much we emerge him into groups of other kids, he will always choose to be alone. It is who he is. It may bother me, but it does not at all bother him.
But yet, he does not always choose to be alone. He is actually very social He has one friend he is always happy to play with. He is excited when his cousins come visit and enjoys spending time with them. He will play video games with other kids. And sometimes he will interact with others... however, he does not thrive on it and it is not a requirement in his life...
Part of me wonders if this journey is more about me then him.... He is perfectly content, strong and well defined at age 10....
We arrived at the school, and they separated the kids from the parents to do their evaluations. I was a tad worried, but felt he would do well.
I went through parent orientation, and then they began calling parents to talk about their kids. I waited, and waited. Finally, my name was called and I was told: "Your child is not ready for Kindergarten."
My heart sank, I wanted to just collapse. Never in a million years I thought someone would tell me by brilliant child who knew more then most 6th graders was not ready for school. I was not going to let this happen.
I'm paraphrasing: "Alex is not ready for kindergarten. He refused to finish his ABC's, wouldn't count for us and played by himself the whole time. When we talked to him, he told us: "I don't need to be here and I hate Kindergarten."
Woooo. I had prepped Alex, sort of. I had told him he got to go to the big kid school. I knew he was stubborn, but I was not expecting this.
But at the same time, I was listening to what she said his word choice was and I was proud. Most kids would have said "I hate you." Alex did not say anything mean to the teacher. He pointed out he hated Kindergarten, or at this point the idea of it. Come on, how can you say a child who so brilliantly picks his words to show his maturity is not ready?
But of course, my parental proudness was not going to get my kid in school. Holding him back a year would put him behind academically and bore him. "What do I need to do? I refuse to hold him back." I told them.
They saw I was not going to budge, and asked if he was in preschool. Ummm. Hello! He had been in social groups, playgroups, preschool, drop in daycare (that is another nightmare to share) since he was in my womb! This was not about me "neglecting" my kid.
So they told us he had to attend their preschool. Now Alex hates to be scheduled. He had preschool Mon, Wed, and Fri mornings. And now they wanted him to attend the one at school. I wasn't going to pull him, so now for the rest of the year, he would get to do two preschools.
One was the advanced preschool... OK, BCU was not "advanced" but I researched, and researched for the best preschool. And this one was awesome! The kids were all smart, came from great families, and the teachers worked hard with the kids. Plus parents were required to help in the classroom. It was a good preschool.
The one at school is for, well, kids who needed an extra boost. I wasn't overly excited about sending him. I didn't want to be mean or judge, but Alex was not these kids. But it was the only way to get him into school, so I agreed.
My only other option would be private school, but since all the schools in my area are Catholic or religious based, and we are Jewish...
Alex attended their school half days to start on Tues and Thurs, and soon he began eating lunch at school and being there all day. He seemed to enjoy it, so it was not bad. And it did help with his transition into Kind.
Many times I have thought of pulling Alex to homeschool him. Not because of him, but because of the way teachers have acted. I loved most of his teachers, but you can see the "cookie cutter" approach. It seemed like they wanted to understand Alex, but he was the only one like him. I always found it hard to believe that Alex was the only kid like him at the school, and I still don't believe it. But out of 100 kids, Alex is the only one like him in that grade.... and I was always getting the call:
"We are concerned about Alex."
Yes, "we are concerned about Alex."
Alex doesn't play with other kids.
Alex doesn't work with kids in group settings.
Alex doesn't participate.
Alex doesn't play with anyone at recess.
Alex is wearing a patch on the concrete running.
Alex is difficult when we have a change in schedule (he did outgrow this).
By the way, classes are all small at his school, so don't let the 90+ kids in his grade thing be a "woah, you sent your kid."
The thing that has stopped me from homeschooling, besides the fact that I do not think I am the best person to lead him in his academic career, is the social aspects.
However, I am beginning to see that no matter how much we emerge him into groups of other kids, he will always choose to be alone. It is who he is. It may bother me, but it does not at all bother him.
But yet, he does not always choose to be alone. He is actually very social He has one friend he is always happy to play with. He is excited when his cousins come visit and enjoys spending time with them. He will play video games with other kids. And sometimes he will interact with others... however, he does not thrive on it and it is not a requirement in his life...
Part of me wonders if this journey is more about me then him.... He is perfectly content, strong and well defined at age 10....
Sunday, November 14, 2010
To play, or not to play
I used to love playdates. I got to talk to adults, Alex got to play with kids. In the beginning, I knew (thanks to "What to Expect the First Year") that Alex would play alongside others, and that was OK. So I never thought much of it when we would have playdates and he would not overly mingle.
He had friends, and would sort of play. But as he got older, I found that I was playing with his playmates because he would get bored quickly and go do his own thing. His friends, however, would want someone to play with them.
Alex would have been fine as an only child.
In preschool, I had a few friends who I knew were upset with me. They would come up and ask me to talk to Alex and find out why he would not play with the other kids.
THE RUNNING
Alex also began doing this running thing. This is a huge element that has carried over and we are trying to tackle. Some people pace back and forth and wear out the carpet. Alex runs. This is his "thinking" time, and he really can not help himself.
Now when I think back to me, I used to tap dance, and you may still catch me moving my feet if I am antsy, but I was still stationary. Alex can not stay still and does some great thinking.
Is this a problem? No. But, it is not NORMAL, therefore causing him to stand out to the other kids like a big neon yellow flashing sign saying "hey, don't look at me, but do!"
We always hoped he would outgrow it, or be able to channel it some other way. Which is one reason we are moving forward with the diagnosis. To help him.
My poor youngest did not get as many playdates. I kind of burned out with Alex.
Part of the reason I don't think he wanted to play with others is because molecules didn't mean much to them (if they even knew what they were)... and so he had a hard time relating to them with their desire to pedal on the tricycles, play games, and just be silly.
Now Alex can be as silly as the best silly kids around! He has an amazing imagination. But we will discuss that later when I'm not so tired.
PS: Alex would not be happy to know I am sharing his stories. He says he is a very "isolated" person and prefers to keep himself that way.
I am the total opposite. I feel everyone has a story, and every story should be shared. I've already in the last hour since I began this blog, had comments on those of you who can relate.
I will continue his story more later....
*Alex loves Broccoli. But he will not eat it cooked because the nutrients are cooked out....he is in the kitchen prepping him a healthy nighttime snack as we speak.
Night!
He had friends, and would sort of play. But as he got older, I found that I was playing with his playmates because he would get bored quickly and go do his own thing. His friends, however, would want someone to play with them.
Alex would have been fine as an only child.
In preschool, I had a few friends who I knew were upset with me. They would come up and ask me to talk to Alex and find out why he would not play with the other kids.
THE RUNNING
Alex also began doing this running thing. This is a huge element that has carried over and we are trying to tackle. Some people pace back and forth and wear out the carpet. Alex runs. This is his "thinking" time, and he really can not help himself.
Now when I think back to me, I used to tap dance, and you may still catch me moving my feet if I am antsy, but I was still stationary. Alex can not stay still and does some great thinking.
Is this a problem? No. But, it is not NORMAL, therefore causing him to stand out to the other kids like a big neon yellow flashing sign saying "hey, don't look at me, but do!"
We always hoped he would outgrow it, or be able to channel it some other way. Which is one reason we are moving forward with the diagnosis. To help him.
My poor youngest did not get as many playdates. I kind of burned out with Alex.
Part of the reason I don't think he wanted to play with others is because molecules didn't mean much to them (if they even knew what they were)... and so he had a hard time relating to them with their desire to pedal on the tricycles, play games, and just be silly.
Now Alex can be as silly as the best silly kids around! He has an amazing imagination. But we will discuss that later when I'm not so tired.
PS: Alex would not be happy to know I am sharing his stories. He says he is a very "isolated" person and prefers to keep himself that way.
I am the total opposite. I feel everyone has a story, and every story should be shared. I've already in the last hour since I began this blog, had comments on those of you who can relate.
I will continue his story more later....
*Alex loves Broccoli. But he will not eat it cooked because the nutrients are cooked out....he is in the kitchen prepping him a healthy nighttime snack as we speak.
Night!
Pregnancy
It all comes down to the pregnancy. As a parent, we wonder, where did we screw up? What did we do wrong? We want to blame something, even if it is ourselves on why our child is not "normal."
I use "normal" not as a way that a child should be, but as a way that society feels a child should be. The norms of socialization, academic norms and family norms.
Alex was a planned child. I wanted him so bad. Todd and I headed to Greece as our last act of being "newlyweds". I was always obsessed with Greek Mythology and history and we had an amazing time. I joked if we got pregnant over their our child would be names Zeus or Hercules, or Athena. Granted, his name is Alex, so we didn't get pregnant right away.
I never smoked, I didn't drink before, during or after my pregnancy. I barfed a lot, but not too much. I didn't gain too much weight. I took my vitamins and did everything I was supposed to. I played classical music and read. Nothing was too good for my baby and I knew he was growing inside me and wanted to give him everything from day one.
Alex used to hiccup all the time in my belly. But we didn't have any insight to who he was until I went into labor (which my husband slept through).
Finally at about 6, after being up all night timing my own contractions, I woke up, took a shower (I didn't want to be gross for the doctors... hey it was my first!), we went to the hospital. My water had not broken so that was one of the first things the doctor did. Then I got my epidural, and I had no clue about the pain. I was floating.
Alex refused to come out. He wouldn't drop, and soon his heartbeat was going erratic and the doctor and nurses started going a little crazy. I heard discussions of a C-section, which I didn't want (I hate sharp objects), but before I knew it, I was being prepped and cut open.
Soon I had a crying baby boy. He did good on his Apgar test, and he was taken one way, and I another... to the recovery room. Granted, it sucked. I was alone, except for the person next to me who was there for a bit. I wanted to see my baby.
Once I was recovered, I got to see him and he latched on like a pro! Breastfeeding, I thought, would be so easy. I loved the bonding.
Nothing was unusual. I breastfed Alex for 10 weeks and then he lived off frozen breastmilk for another 3 or 4 weeks. I felt we bonded very well, and I was in love. Todd was an amazing father (still is).
Now I look back on his not coming out as a foreshadowing of who he is. He is very stubborn and hates change. I can imagine him thinking in my uterus that he is happy where he was at, and there was no reason to go out there, and making up his mind. He was pretty unhappy at the change from my belly to real world, but seemed to get over it quickly. He always woke up with a smile.
The importance of this is that I did everything I could. I really can not think of anywhere I messed up to "cause" this.
For Alex's tests we, the parents, are also required to fill out a ton of paperwork. It's pretty intrusive in the questions it asks, almost making you feel like maybe it is all your fault. Now I know that is not true, and I'm assuming they use this for research to help them better understand everything.
The first year for Alex we did Kindermusik starting at 6 months, playgroups, lots of cuddling, reading, and love. He was a great sleeper and quick learner. He also had Reflux and spit up a lot. But really, he was perfect.
I use "normal" not as a way that a child should be, but as a way that society feels a child should be. The norms of socialization, academic norms and family norms.
Alex was a planned child. I wanted him so bad. Todd and I headed to Greece as our last act of being "newlyweds". I was always obsessed with Greek Mythology and history and we had an amazing time. I joked if we got pregnant over their our child would be names Zeus or Hercules, or Athena. Granted, his name is Alex, so we didn't get pregnant right away.
I never smoked, I didn't drink before, during or after my pregnancy. I barfed a lot, but not too much. I didn't gain too much weight. I took my vitamins and did everything I was supposed to. I played classical music and read. Nothing was too good for my baby and I knew he was growing inside me and wanted to give him everything from day one.
Alex used to hiccup all the time in my belly. But we didn't have any insight to who he was until I went into labor (which my husband slept through).
Finally at about 6, after being up all night timing my own contractions, I woke up, took a shower (I didn't want to be gross for the doctors... hey it was my first!), we went to the hospital. My water had not broken so that was one of the first things the doctor did. Then I got my epidural, and I had no clue about the pain. I was floating.
Alex refused to come out. He wouldn't drop, and soon his heartbeat was going erratic and the doctor and nurses started going a little crazy. I heard discussions of a C-section, which I didn't want (I hate sharp objects), but before I knew it, I was being prepped and cut open.
Soon I had a crying baby boy. He did good on his Apgar test, and he was taken one way, and I another... to the recovery room. Granted, it sucked. I was alone, except for the person next to me who was there for a bit. I wanted to see my baby.
Once I was recovered, I got to see him and he latched on like a pro! Breastfeeding, I thought, would be so easy. I loved the bonding.
Nothing was unusual. I breastfed Alex for 10 weeks and then he lived off frozen breastmilk for another 3 or 4 weeks. I felt we bonded very well, and I was in love. Todd was an amazing father (still is).
Now I look back on his not coming out as a foreshadowing of who he is. He is very stubborn and hates change. I can imagine him thinking in my uterus that he is happy where he was at, and there was no reason to go out there, and making up his mind. He was pretty unhappy at the change from my belly to real world, but seemed to get over it quickly. He always woke up with a smile.
The importance of this is that I did everything I could. I really can not think of anywhere I messed up to "cause" this.
For Alex's tests we, the parents, are also required to fill out a ton of paperwork. It's pretty intrusive in the questions it asks, almost making you feel like maybe it is all your fault. Now I know that is not true, and I'm assuming they use this for research to help them better understand everything.
The first year for Alex we did Kindermusik starting at 6 months, playgroups, lots of cuddling, reading, and love. He was a great sleeper and quick learner. He also had Reflux and spit up a lot. But really, he was perfect.
Introduction
Hi! My name is Debbie. I'm a mom. I'm a mom to two great boys. Billy is my youngest. He is the life of the party, loves people and always introducing himself to strangers. He loves everything, wants to try new things, and the more people, the better.
But this story is not about Billy. Alex is, well Alex. He is now 10, but from a young age, he was always his own person.
I stopped going to playgroups because Alex would go off on his own. In preschool, parents would get upset because he would not play with the other kids, even those he knew his whole life.
Most kids were into dinosaurs or sports, but at age 4, he started talking about neurons, protons, and atoms and would make statements I had to look up to confirm their truth. Today at dinner he commented on the viscosity of his ice cream, which was pretty runny.
Alex still to this day can not ride a bike. I gave up. I feel like such a failure, but that is where this journey is taking us, and why I am blogging.
As I write, I will share more stories of why Alex is Alex. I've always been so proud of him and never labeled him, but yet, Alex has always been his own person.
I titled this Blog Journery to Asper because it took me to this year to finally force myself to do what is best for Alex, and have him tested for Aspergers. I never wanted to admit that my child could actually have it. There is just something about Autism that is scary as a parent.. you don't want anything for your child that seems a "hurdle."
If Alex had clear cut signs of being Autistic, it would be easier (to us to admit it). But he's always been able to function really well, and we held on to that hope he'd outgrow a lot of the quirks. This always made it easy to tuck it away in the back of our mind.
At age 4 Alex was diagnosed on the Spectrum, but it was never mentioned maybe he really did have it. Just that he was simply anti-social because he played out scenerios different then most people.
I am finally taking the steps, against Alex's own personal knowledge, to have him tested. He may (or may not) have Aspergers, but as a parent, we need to know so we can give him insight to who he is and help him be the best he can be.
I know many parents are afraid to have their kids tested. I'm hoping my journey can help other moms who know their child is amazing, but can see that some pain may exist for themselves or their child. If it's being treated differently by the parents because your child will not conform, or watching your child be teased but not being able to do anything....
Please join me as we find out more about who Alex really is, besides being the most brilliant, wonderful, loving, caring, and polite child I have ever known. No matter what, I am proud to have him as my son.
Debbie
But this story is not about Billy. Alex is, well Alex. He is now 10, but from a young age, he was always his own person.
I stopped going to playgroups because Alex would go off on his own. In preschool, parents would get upset because he would not play with the other kids, even those he knew his whole life.
Most kids were into dinosaurs or sports, but at age 4, he started talking about neurons, protons, and atoms and would make statements I had to look up to confirm their truth. Today at dinner he commented on the viscosity of his ice cream, which was pretty runny.
Alex still to this day can not ride a bike. I gave up. I feel like such a failure, but that is where this journey is taking us, and why I am blogging.
As I write, I will share more stories of why Alex is Alex. I've always been so proud of him and never labeled him, but yet, Alex has always been his own person.
I titled this Blog Journery to Asper because it took me to this year to finally force myself to do what is best for Alex, and have him tested for Aspergers. I never wanted to admit that my child could actually have it. There is just something about Autism that is scary as a parent.. you don't want anything for your child that seems a "hurdle."
If Alex had clear cut signs of being Autistic, it would be easier (to us to admit it). But he's always been able to function really well, and we held on to that hope he'd outgrow a lot of the quirks. This always made it easy to tuck it away in the back of our mind.
At age 4 Alex was diagnosed on the Spectrum, but it was never mentioned maybe he really did have it. Just that he was simply anti-social because he played out scenerios different then most people.
I am finally taking the steps, against Alex's own personal knowledge, to have him tested. He may (or may not) have Aspergers, but as a parent, we need to know so we can give him insight to who he is and help him be the best he can be.
I know many parents are afraid to have their kids tested. I'm hoping my journey can help other moms who know their child is amazing, but can see that some pain may exist for themselves or their child. If it's being treated differently by the parents because your child will not conform, or watching your child be teased but not being able to do anything....
Please join me as we find out more about who Alex really is, besides being the most brilliant, wonderful, loving, caring, and polite child I have ever known. No matter what, I am proud to have him as my son.
Debbie
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